14 April 2005

The Uncanny O-Man: 5 Superpowers I'd Want

5. Flight - Hey, it's for the environment and not because it always seems to get Superman's girls all hot and bothered. "Oh, Superman, I'm in the air! Do me!"

4. Telekinesis - I had a superpower once. It was called "slacker force." I used it in college. "Omar," you ask, "how did you use slacker force?" I'm so glad you asked. Basically, if I was sitting on, say, a couch watching television and there was a can of ... soda that was on the far end of the coffee table, I'd raise up my arm and open my hand. Eventually, someone would walk along, see me reaching for said can, pick it up, and hand it to me. I was a mighty being.

3. Invisibility - Granted, this power should never be given to lonely people. [Insert: "Awww!"] Nonetheless, I'd love to, say, avoid some ex-girlfriends on the fly. I'd also rob banks. Many, many banks. But I'm no supervillian. I'd take from the rich and give to the poor... poor like me. I'd also use the money to fund my never-ending war on crime. I wouldn't do anything perverted at all. Really. I wouldn't.

2. Superspeed - I am totally sick of just missing subway doors as they close. Seriously, it's a conspiracy to drive me ape$4!+. This one time I was on the New York City subway known as the G train. G stands for Ghost because it comes so infrequently it's like seeing a ghost. Anyways, so I'm sitting there on the G train and I transfer to the L train. L train is for Loser hipsters that live in Williamsburg. Anyways, I've gotten off the G train and transfered to the L train. It's like 3am. Trains like the L and G run very infrequently at 3am so to be able to transfer is just short of miraculous. We're talking rising on the third day, doing a jig, and going up to heaven type miraculous. They are idling in the station for some reason. Suddenly this old, old, old dude runs down the stairs barrelling at the G train. Now, he's no normal-looking old guy. He's kinda weird. Picture an ugly Gandalf complete with walking stick and green khaki shorts... not to mention the Crocodile Dundee hat. The bell rings, the doors close. He shrieks. When I say shriek, I mean high-pitched approaching the sound a gerbil being shot by a BB gun shriek. So, Gandalf shrieks because the G train doors shut, and it could be an hour before the next one appears. Gandalf then realizes there's an L train across the way so he starts running at the L train his white beard flapping to his side like a scarf. The L train bell rings; the doors close. Gandalf hits the doors running and shrieks again. At this point, Gandalf is losing his marbles. He's shrieking and hitting the doors. Then, mystically, the G train doors across the platform open. Gandalf shrieks yet again and starts running at the G train doors across the platform; thing is is that the second he starts moving the G train bell rings and the doors start to shut. The doors close just in time for him to get there. As Gandalf gets to the doors the L train doors open, their bell rings, and the doors begin to shut. Gandalf, of course, is too busy shrieking and running to think this through. This event replays itself four or five more times. Finally, the L train conducter lets Gandalf board the train, and Gandalf is sitting in my car. Over the intercom we hear the conductor's voice: "Attention passengers. We are umm... suffering from a malfunction in our door mechanisms. We will um... be moving shortly."

1. Telepathy - I'd pick up girls. For real. I wouldn't use my powers to brainwash them or anything, and I wouldn't lie. But I would figure out what I should highlight about myself. For example, I would figure out if she likes poets or computer guys more. Oh, I'd also figure out if she wants a guy who makes a lot of cash 'cause I'm not one of them and don't feel like pretending. I'd also use telepathy to mess with people that are annoying me. "So is this like the time you peed your pants in Mrs. Wall's first grade class and everyone laughed at you including Gina who you had a crush on?" That's just for starters. Imagine my kill shot.

Join us next week for Part II: 5 Superpowers I'd Probaby Get Instead

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