Free Trade Guerrilla: Queer Eye for the Meta Guy

With this...

I say "THANKS!" to Brandon and anyone else associated with Superman Returns for throwing two strikes on this movie before it even hits the editing room! Somebody invest in some foam! Hire BALCO and hook him up with some Cream and Clear. Someone up the CGI budget, please.

Do something. Anything!

Physique issues aside, the trademark S is looking more like an Izod Lacoste logo than the symbol for Truth, Justice and the American Way. And what up with the name buckle, bro? That shit went out with Freestyle and skinny ties!

The color palette is also distinctly brand Eecch! (Cool points if you get that reference.) The primary lexicon in our comic mythology is looking very dark here, people.

Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means a purist. I have no problems with updated uniforms for the sake of a better film. I thought that the black leather X-costumes worked a hell of a lot better than the originals; especially when you take into account that the movie goes out of its way to emphasize that the X-Men are supposed to be a clandestine operation, not ATTACK OF THE BARNUM & BAILEY'S REJECTS!

Ditto on Spider-Man. I heard mad rumblings from fanboys that the loss of the web-spinners was a tragedy of the highest order. Pssst! Guys! How do you think that a teenager that possess the only patent on a polymer that would put 3M out of business in a heartbeat would stay a dead broke sucker living with his aunt in Queens other than that he also inherited the proportionate business savvy of an arachnid as well? Giving Peter Parker organic webs is a master storytelling stroke that I am SURE Stan Lee would go back and fix if he could.


The updated Daredevil and Bullseye costumes looked awesome on the big screen that and the truly badass version of Kingpin were just about the only saving graces to a film that was the cinematic equivalent of a marathon run on a treadmill. But "BOO!" to the fool that decided Elektra should go with a more realistic look. Depriving her of her one and only actual superpower: The ability to throw men and women off their game plan as they simultaneously ponder--


How does that all stay in place?

And if you think that this is all just splitting hairs, please note how quickly a surefire billion-dollar franchise went to the toilet the minute the costume went from this to this(?!?)

Much of my hope for Batman Begins lies in the fact that they went with a minimalist bad ass look for our new dark knight.



Which just proves that everything goes full circle as the powers that be behind Superman Returns are trying to get us back to the Superman of the 70s.

No, not this classic figure:


More like this:

(David Wilson as Superman, circa 1975 ABC)

With all this said, remember the immortal words of Fernando: "It's better to look good than to feel good!"