The Uncanny O-Man: 5 Superpowers I'd Want, Part II

5 Superpowers I'd Probaby Get Instead

5. The power to make flowers bloom: I'm so uber-masculine, I eat babies for breakfast. I eat kittens for lunch. And then, for dinner, I eat another plate of babies! I heard once that this power was actually bestowed upon a comic book character in Strikeforce: Morituri. HOTTT!!!

4. Powerful, unblockable, devastating, projectile vomit: No one could withstand my awesome attacks. Oh, wait, didn't someone in X-Force have this at some point? DOH!

3. A car that is fueled by my flatulence: Ok, not a power but a gadget. Traveling at the speed of air, leaving defeated villains in my... um... wake. So there was this kid in college. He gets sick one day and is on all these medications. He starts telling me his life story. How when he was little all the kids used to call him "Fart Boy." Now, you're wondering why they called him Fart Boy. Well, it seems that he loved cold cereal. LOVED it; would have three bowls before he left for school. The problem was that he was lactose intolerant. So by lunch, his entire abdomen was a pressure cooker of gastoronomical goodness. I told him that lactose intolerance is B.S. and that your body can learn to adjust. I told him that lactose is just like hot peppers, at first your body freaks, but then it adjusts. Man, maybe I am a supervillain.

2. The ability to annoy my opponents into submission: It is a power I am actively trying to develop. BWHAHAHAHAHA!!!

1. Narcolepsy: Last, but certainly not least, a power that I already possess. It all started in high school, senior year. After my least favorite class, I would always feel so bored and tired. Even though I then had Astronomy, which I enjoyed, once we were in the planatarium and the lights went out, I was out. (Yes, I had Astronomy as a science class. It was to justify the fact that we had a planatarium in our high school.)